Coming soon to a bookstore near you!

What a night! This past Friday, 6 November 2009, marked – to my surprise – the inaugural meeting of the Jennie Smith International Fan Club. Perched high atop the city at New Asia Bar, my dear friends, Lou Anne, Scott, Pilar and Frank – presented me with an official plaque, a charter, and ID badge. I even have an official seal!!

So, you say – what is this all about? Well, this summer I wrote a novel. Raiders of the Red Dot – all about mystery and intrigue in Singapore. Valuables buried away during WWII. Treasured objects snatched from Baghdad museums. Precious sacred writings traded to the highest bidder. So, in anticipation of the bestseller list, my friends were kind enough to boost my spirits and lend their support as I wade through the murky waters of publishing.

Stay posted – and get your orders in now!

Winging it

Last night at dinner at the American Club, there were two men sitting at a table behind Charlie and me, one of whom had a vocabulary comprised mostly of the f-bomb. And he didn’t speak in mild tones. At one point, I was tempted to go to the library, fetch a dictionary, and present it to him. “Sir, there are a variety of adjectives in here. Have a go at learning some new words to define your world.”

Then I started thinking – what if the words we say created a tangible aura around us? What would mine look and smell like? Yikes…maybe I don’t want to know.

Words, written or verbal, are vital to our existence. They are how we build relationships, get work done, create our world. But I know I often use them recklessly and unconsciously.

My friend, L., and I were talking yesterday about the common stereotypes in organizations about various departments – legal, H.R., finance, marketing. I realized how debilitating these preconceptions can be to team spirit – and, even when we think we’re encouraging teamwork, how easily innuendo can undermine unity. An accountant walks into the conference room and someone says “Ah, the bean counters are here.” Or comments are made like “the folks from legal are sure to slow us down.” Or “those marketing guys don’t have a clue about who really does the work around here.” These little digs, often disguised as humor, are like poisonous darts aimed right at the heart of the team.

Another word abuse to watch out for is the use of the term “girl” for almost any female co-worker. Would you call a male co-worker a “boy”? “Who’s that boy in engineering on the first floor?” I don’t think so, unless you are truly employing child labor. So what term is appropriate? I personally like “colleague”. It’s gender-neutral, professional, and respectful. Take it out for a test spin.

In the book of Samuel, the elder Eli mentors the young boy Samuel, instructing him to listen to God when he calls. Samuel does, and we are told that “the Lord was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground.” (I Samuel 3:19) When Samuel spoke, his words were true, purposeful, and sound.

F-bombs drop loudly, and bring no lasting return to the speaker nor reward to the hearer. But good words – words of integrity, honesty, and generosity – these words soar.

May your words have wings.

A careless word may kindle strife,
A cruel word may wreck a life,
A timely word may lessen stress,
A loving word may heal and bless.
-- Author Unknown

It takes a village

We set our alarm a little earlier so we could enjoy the hotel buffet a bit longer before our trek to two villages, first on land, then on water. Vy and our driver were waiting – with a 4-wheel drive. Our first stop was a rough ride down a dirt road to a small village. The town center was bustling with commerce. From there, we traveled by oxcart, or as Vy says - “Cambodian BMW” - further into the village where we visited a school.

Cambodia was colonized by the French, but gained independence in the 1950s under the rule of a prince who was eventually replaced by a democratic government. In 1975, the country was seized by the Khmer Rouge, a radical group with a vision of creating a perfect agrarian society with no Western influence. Before they were overthrown by the Vietnamese, the Khmer Rouge under the leadership of Pol Pot, killed one-fourth of the country’s population, almost 2 million people. The trial of one of the leaders is currently underway right now so check out CNN for more information. Also, the book “First They Killed My Father” by Loung Ung is a heart-wrenching story of one family’s experience. Amazingly, the Cambodian people are beautiful, generous, and welcoming – in spite of the horrors of their recent past. Or perhaps because of it. They seem to take special joy in simple things – food preparation, friendship, children, nature.

After a brief rest back at the hotel, we set off for the floating village. Many of the homes in Cambodia are elevated to accommodate rising waters during rainy season, but the floating village takes it one step further. It’s floating 24/7/365 – including the stores, schools, dogs, gas stations, even a pig farm.

Now for some shopping. What would we take home to remember this lovely country? The Khmer Rouge had been especially hostile to educated people, artists, doctors – urbanized people. Cambodian culture lost many of its teachers and artists during the genocide. Artisans Angkor is a special school that was established to train students in traditional arts, such as silk weaving and painting, lacquer, and stone carving. We had a short tour of the school and then visited the gift shop where we picked up a variety of items. After that, it was a stop at S. Khey Art Gallery where Kate purchased “Happy Monks.”

Then it was back to the hotel around 5 p.m. A very long day, we were hot and tired, but not too weary for a visit to the pool and a chat with Bun Von. We met another American couple there and shared tales of our adventures as the sun set on our last night in Cambodia. Back to Singapore tomorrow, but we hope our future holds a return to Siem Reap.

Village People

Temples, Temples, Temples

We stumbled to the breakfast buffet around 6:15 a.m. and quickly woke up – the food was too good to be ignored. Upstairs in the lobby a few minutes later, bellies happy, we met Kuy Vy, our guide from Sage Insights who was taking us on a tour of the temples.

We started out at Angkor Wat – a one-day pass for $20 got us into all of the temples in Siem Reap. We climbed up through the ruins and descended on the other side into the temple grounds. To our right, a group of three monkeys was having a morning chat, oblivious to passersby. They were only the first “wildlife” we would encounter that day.

Vy was expert at knowing his way around the temples – we went through Angkor Wat, Angkor Thom and La Prohm – the latter being the location for the Lara Croft Tomb Raider movies. I won’t try to recap all the history and culture of the temples – way too much, but there are lots of good websites. Just Google any of the temple names.

I’m more than a little squeamish over creepy, crawly things, yet the morning turned out to be full of them. Entering the first passageway, we noticed (what we thought was) a large spider on Vy’s back. We told him so. He said “a really big one?” To us, yes. He turned to look, shrugged, lifted it off his back and placed it gently on the wall where it scurried off.

Later, a lady walks by with a grasshopper on her arm – a grasshopper that might qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records. Kate hurried away from it, but for some reason, this lady decided Charlie should have this grasshopper on his shirt. She walks up and starts trying to deposit it onto him. He said “no, thanks.” Vy and I were watching this from a distance and he told me that many visitors respond like that. But locals are used to it; in fact, they see the insects as food when necessary. He explained – we are a poor country and we can’t be so particular about what eat.

Later, we arrived at La Prohm and I’m admiring the temple from a distance before we go inside when someone slapped me on the back. I turned to see who it was. A small Chinese lady said “sorry, but there was a huge bee on your back.” I screamed. Not because of her slap, that had only made me curious, although for a small person she delivered quite a smack. My scream was elicited by the mention of the bug which had just recently been touching me for pete’s sake. She was with a large group, and my scream brought down the house. They were laughing and pointing. In fact, most of the tourists turned to see what has causing all the commotion. When these things happen early like this, it’s nice. At least my odds of another embarrassing moment are slim and I can enjoy the remainder of the day a bit more secure that I won’t do something that makes me look like a total idiot for perhaps another 24 hours.

We stopped to take photos with the monks – Charlie stood between us at Vy’s instruction as the monks are not allowed to touch women. Then we went off to another great lunch and back to the hotel for the afternoon. We hung out at the pool with our friend, Bun Von, and talked to another tourist, a young Aussie girl who lived and worked in Vietnam and had come over for holiday.

In the evening, Vy arranged dinner for us at Kullen II, a dinner buffet and cultural show. Food was good, and the dancing was beautiful. We had fallen in love with Siem Reap and its people and were looking to more adventures the next day.

Temples

Off to Siem Reap

5:15 a.m. and we are headed to Changi for our flight to Siem Reap via Kuala Lumpur. But first a quick stop at the Amex counter to change our Sing dollars into USD – the currency of choice in Cambodia. The country does have its own monetary unit, the riel, but it has no value on any exchange. We later learned that there were no national banks until about 10 years ago. USD is king. One US dollar is the equivalent of 4,000 riel. Feeling rich with all these 1,000 riel notes – until we realized they’re worth a quarter! On the other hand, a dollar goes a long way in Siem Reap.

After a brief and unappetizing layover in KL, we arrived in Siem Reap around noon. Immigration was easy. All we needed was $20 bucks, an extra passport photo (add $2 if this is missing and they’ll scan the photo from your passport), a valid passport, and a short visa application form – handed it all to the first guy at a long counter. He instructs us to go to the far end. Then 13 – yes, I counted – fellows pass our documents along, supposedly checking something at each point, until it makes it to the last step in the 20-foot production line. This final inspector calls out our name, one at a time, we step forward, he eyeballs us, our photos, us, our photos – finally, he says okay, hands the documents back to us and points us to another check point. Here, after much more looking and stamping, we are in.

Our driver is waiting and whisks us off to Angkor Palace Resort and Spa – we’d found a great deal here through Expedia. It proved to be a good choice, very colonial. We spent the afternoon at the pool and spa – unbelievably great spa at low, low prices. We all three chose the aromatherapy massage, then Kate and I steamed ourselves silly before a final swim before dinner. We met Bun Von here, the bartender at the swim-up bar, a cheery Cambodian with great English who enjoyed chatting with us almost as much as we enjoyed getting to know him and to learn about his country. We talked about education, food, the world, travel. Having good language skills is a big plus in a place where tourism accounts for a major portion of the employment.

Dinner was on Pub Street and we arrived by tuk-tuk, an open-air cart attached to a motorcycle. It was $3.50 one-way. When we got into town, the driver wanted to take us back at the end of our evening. We said we didn’t know how long we would be and didn’t want to make him wait. He said no problem, and we did see the advantage of having someone to take us home who knew where we had come from. We offered to pay him for the first trip, but he refused. No, pay in full once he delivers us back to the hotel, he said. Okay, off we went.

Pub Street has an abundance of choices so we scouted about for a bit and finally decided on the Cambodian Soup Restaurant which had a good buzz about it. As we placed our order, the waiter became so tickled he could barely contain himself. What could be so funny? We soon found out. Although we had only ordered $28 worth of food, the servings were so large that our table was overflowing and, even with our prodigious eating skills, we were well beyond our depths to put a dent in the feast before us. The $6 pot of Cambodian soup was rich and herby – and large enough to feed a family of four. Add to that pineapple rice, curry, amok, veg, spring rolls – well, you get the picture. Absolutely delicious – like most of the Cambodian food we had. Very fresh, very spicy.

Sure enough, after dinner when we came around the corner to the agreed-upon meeting place, our driver, number 4565, was sitting there waiting, talking to another driver, and quickly jumped up, waving at us. Off we went, tuk-tukking along. Then it was to bed – our guide would be waiting in the lobby for us at 6:30 a.m. for our temple tour.

Siem Reap Photos

Day 1

We’ve just had a beautiful holiday! It started with Kate’s arrival around midnight on Saturday 14 March. On Sunday, our first stop was her favorite food court at Ngee Ann (knee-awn) City, one of the many gigantic malls along Orchard Road. There are dozens of stalls serving all kinds of food – Thai, Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese, Western. It is a feast for all the senses – sorry that pictures can only feed your vision! We sampled a few dishes, but simply ran out of room before we ran out of options. Eating is one of Singapore’s national sports; shopping is the other. After a few hours of such intense work, we were hungry again and headed to Fish and Co for gigantic servings of fish and chips. Then home early and to bed because on Monday we would be in the cab on the way to the airport by 5 a.m. Headed to Siem Reap. More on that next time.

Check out the photos here:

Day 1

Acedia

A friend asked me the other day why so many married women spend so much time badmouthing their spouses. Why? In a word, acedia.

Dubbed the “primary affliction of his time” by Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), the word (uh-SEE-dee-uh) comes from the Greek word for indifference, but it goes a bit deeper than that. It is not just a lack of caring, but not caring that you don’t care anymore. Whether it’s about life, your job, your spouse, your family, anything and everything, life in general.

Acedia is the spiritual version of sloth. But that’s not to say it’s characterized by laziness as related to physical activity. Acedia sufferers may be the busiest people you know, restless, agitated, involved in everything. Or they may be paralyzed and lethargic. It works both ways. Either way, there’s no passion. If they are busy all the time, it’s to keep from having to face how empty they feel. Likewise, sluggishness may be the preferred method of ignoring their sense of life’s meaninglessness.

Remember when you were younger and everything thrilled you? The touch of you lover’s hand on your shoulder, the taste of strawberry ice cream, a flock of geese gliding overhead, a full moon shimmering on the ocean. Or when everything was a tragedy? The wrong date or no date for prom. Getting passed over for a promotion. A spat with your spouse.

But as we age, we may seek to control the ride. We turn down every emotion, sacrificing the highs so that we can escape the lows. Taken to the extreme, this becomes acedia. We lose our passion for life. We may realize this, but rather than take responsibility, we blame our circumstances, thinking that if we could just change our job or spouse or family, we could get rid of this empty feeling.

For those whose acedia manifests in an active form, they may have extramarital affairs or be job-hoppers or workaholics, always looking for the perfect fix and changing every variable except the one constant – themselves. For those suffering from the lethargic manifestation of acedia, they complain and criticize. We’ve probably all encountered these people in the workplace – some of us may be those people. In marriage, this may show up as nearly constant verbal sparring.

So I come back to my friend’s question. Why do spouses verbally abuse one another? This is especially uncomfortable when they make it a spectator sport in your presence. They don’t care, and they don’t care that they don’t care. The spark has gone, yet no matter how hard they have tried to kill emotion, as human beings, we long for passion. In its absence, we grasp at anything that helps us realize we are still alive, even when that means attacking, fighting, and destroying those closest to us.

When faced with a life sentence or long incarceration, prisoners may adapt in several ways. Having lost their freedom, they become dependent on the structures of the institution. They may lose the ability to take action on their own and to make good decisions. Because prison can be a dangerous place, they become hyper-vigilant, distrustful and suspicious. In response, they may psychologically distance themselves from others, create a “prison-mask” so that their weaknesses cannot be exposed and exploited. At the same time, they may in turn exploit others, perhaps a response to their feelings of low self-esteem and lack of personal worth.

Hmm…sound familiar? Acedia-sufferers often perceive their marriages and jobs as life sentences, one day the same as the next, death the only way out. Is it surprising then that these same behaviors identified with prison inmates often show up at home and at work? Whether by a prison, a marriage or a corporation, institutionalization can occur and, when it does, it is devastating. The dignity, self-worth and uniqueness of a human being is lost. A modern tragedy rarely noticed.

Self-check moment. Do most of the words coming from your mouth build up or tear down? Is your internal temperature mostly negative or mostly positive? Are you happy or unhappy most of the time? Do you have the power to change yourself or are you just the way you are? Does life – your life – have meaning? Or does existence on planet earth lack any significance?

Your answers to these questions aren’t just philosophical speculation. They are the foundation of your life creating the feelings you feel, the things you do and don’t do, the relationships you have, the love you give and receive, the joy you experience. If your answers no longer work for you, the search for new ones is waiting.

Fun and Games

It’s rainy season here and Singapore storms are bipolar. They can move really fast – one second it’s dry, the next it’s a deluge. No time to run for cover. You will be soaked in the blink of an eye. But at other times, the sky darkens, the thunder rumbles threateningly, but then the storm wears itself out without producing even one drip. Playing chicken with the storms is a favorite island pastime. On the days you lose, you get soggy bread, ruined papers, and really bad hair.

This is always a fun game to observe at the pool. Everyone is having a wonderful time, sunning, reading, splashing. Then the clouds start to gather. The skies are scanned apprehensively and repeatedly, mothers alert to lightning, kids oblivious. We glance around. Is anyone making a move? No one wants to be first. Play it cool. Relax. A rumble of thunder brings us to attention. Is it time? We covertly sneak books, snacks, lotions into the beach bag for a hasty get-away if required. At last, the first weak soul relents, usually a mom who is forgiven because she’s allowed to be over-protective. The rest of us? We won’t be so easily deprived of our weekend respite. Finally, someone caves and packs it in. The rest of us, satisfied not to be the first to break, reluctantly follow suit and seek refuge indoors.

Who says there’s nothing to do in Singapore?

What's for lunch?

Food is top-of-mind right now – I’ve given up soda and meat for Lent. I know, it doesn’t sound that difficult. Just try restricting yourself on anything for 40 days. Suddenly, the cravings kick in. Discipline – good for the soul, right?

Since I’ve been thinking so much about food thought I would share a few local dishes.

First, a bowl of mee siam, brown broth over very thin rice noodles topped with a sliced hard-cooked eggs and spring onions. Yummy! Cost: S$2.80, or US$1.88. Medium spice, just a little fishy/shrimpy.





Next, an Indian feast – one of our favorites.










Stingray. Really meaty fish, more like chicken.







Local favorites – carrot cake here is not what you think! That’s it front right on our table.














And, of course, the local drinks of choice – Tiger beer or coconut juice .

New Dawn

In Geneva, we had lots of visitors. It was fun to know someone was always arriving soon. But guests haven’t been as regular here in Singapore (is that flight over the Pacific so much more daunting than the Atlantic?) so when we saw an announcement in the church bulletin that a group of young adults from the States needed host homes, we signed up immediately.

Kristine and Sarah (far left and far right in photo, respectively), two of the five-member New Dawn team sponsored by the organization Youth Encounter, were delivered to our door by Pastor Nick on Friday evening. To my pleasant surprise, I found out Sarah was a Hoosier (like me) as were two other team members. She hails from Indianapolis. John, the lone male of the group, calls Seymour home. Julia is from the northern part of Indiana, while Jackie and Kristine are from Missouri and Minnesota, respectively.

They’ve been traveling as a team since last August, spending 2008 roaming the States, and now finishing up their one-year commitment here in Asia. It was such fun to have the ladies around the house for the weekend and on Sunday we enjoyed the opportunity to spend time with the entire team. We made our way over to the American Club for burgers and fajitas, not-so-common fare in these parts.

Over the course of a few short days, we talked and laughed and shared life stories. We made cheesy eggs, played Wii, made Miis (even more fun), watched an inspiring movie about the 1980 US Olympic hockey team, sat in the hot tub and shared more of our favorite memories – stories about our hardships, triumphs, loved ones. We all realized how blessed we have been. In spite of illness, injury, accident, broken hearts, disappointments, unexpected losses, and sometimes fear, we share a deep faith that life is precious, God is good, and love and joy abound if we open ourselves up to the possibilities right before us.

Dust in the wind

I’ve just returned from Ash Wednesday services at our Lutheran church here in Singapore.  It’s very humbling to kneel at the altar and have the ashes placed on your forehead as the pastor says “Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”  Brings much-needed perspective in these times.

Ash Wednesday is the beginning of the period of Lent.  Below is a brief summary of Lent that I wrote last year for a chapel service.  I’m still trying to decide what to give up as my sacrifice for the next forty days.  I’ve realized I’m not so keen to bring any discomfort into my life.

Lent (from the Anglo-Saxon word lencten meaning “spring”) is a period of preparation preceding the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus at Easter.  It consists of forty days, beginning on Ash Wednesday, but does not include the intervening six Sundays which are excluded because all Sundays are recognized as mini-Easters.  The Lenten season, observed by prayer and fasting, is a time of repentance, sacrifice, and self-examination.

There is no Apostolic tradition for the season of Lent or for forty days of fasting, although there is a Biblical connection of forty days as a time of preparation (Ex 34:28, I Kings 19:8, Matthew 4:2).  In the early church, every Friday was marked by fasting, and every Sunday by a celebration of the resurrection, a weekly observance of the Easter story.  Believers would fast for forty hours (perhaps symbolic of the time Jesus laid in the tomb) prior to baptism.

As of the late-second century, there appear to be no concrete guidelines for the observance of Lent. Both Irenaeus and Tertullian write of much shorter periods, and both acknowledge the diversity of practices amongst the various churches.  The first mention of forty days is at the time of the Council of Nicea (325 C.E.), and by the end of the fourth century, this period of time was more or less the accepted norm.  Ash Wednesday, a day of penitence and purification, was instituted by Gregory the Great in 604 C.E. as the first day of Lent.

Fasting has been defined in various ways throughout the years. Some rules of fasting called for one small meal per day, usually after sundown.  Small snacks were often allowed throughout the day for those required to do manual labor.  All meat and animal products, including milk, butter, and eggs, were sometimes prohibited, a practice that led to the exchange of eggs at Easter. In the Middle Ages, some restricted items could be consumed by those who made monetary sacrifices to the church; hence, the nickname Butter Tower for the steeple of a medieval church that was constructed with the monies earned from these indulgences.

Today, as we enter this season of Lent, may we set aside time each day to reflect on our shortcomings, our failings, our need for a Saviour. As we realize the hopelessness of the situation if left to our own devices, we prepare our hearts for the tremendous outpouring of grace and forgiveness that God bestows upon us through Jesus.

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap.
Psalm 113:7

Q and A

“The mission of Socrates was to rid people of the illusion of knowledge.” So writes Terry J. Fadem in The Art of Asking: Ask Better Questions, Get Better Answers.  It’s little wonder then that the folks around Socrates were anxious to be rid of him.  After all, no one wants to be the naked emperor so we weave our robes grandly and disparage the fool who might question our designs.

Fadem’s point is that questions are the tools of the manager.  In the old days (exactly when were those by the way?), promotion often meant that the person was really good at what he did.  He knew all the machines or steps and could supervise the entire process.  He was the answer guy.  In our complex world, it’s well, more complex.  The breadth and width of global departments means that no one can have all the answers.  Managers who think they do are bound for failure.  So it’s questions, not answers, that are a manager’s tools.  Asking the right questions, listening to the answers, and then taking appropriate action are key activities for progress and success.

He identifies three types of questions:

1.  Questions asked because the answer is important
2.  Questions asked because the question is important
3.  Questions asked because the process of asking is important

We are destined to make mistakes, but being aware of a few common errors can help.
Habit questions.  If you are using the same question or type of questions, over and over, your team members will know it and they will expect it.  Meetings run the risk of becoming routine, almost scripted.  Critical issues may be overlooked and creativity stifled.
Positioning and posturing.  This is when the question is all about the asker.  “I only have a Master’s in Economics and a Ph.D. in Finance, so keep it simple.  Why are our numbers off 80% this quarter?” 
Too casual.  Fadem says there is no such thing as a casual question in a professional environment.  If you are in a management role, what you ask will have significance.  Be sure to ask yourself, prior to asking a question of someone else: “where is the business value?” and “is it an abuse of power?”   I once had a superior who failed to ask either of these. Several years ago, new to my position and the organization, I was nervous and excited when, early Monday morning with my boss out on vacation, I received a call from our group’s admin assistant summoning me to the VP’s office.  Cool.  What challenge would I have?  Could I do it?  Notepad and pen at the ready I sat down to get the assignment.  And assignment it was.  “Hey, my kid is working on a paper for a marketing class.  He’s doing a comparative analysis of the greeting card industry.  Can you do a little research and pull something together for him by the end of the week?”  I didn’t know whether to be flattered, indignant, angry, or deflated. 

Never pose a question in anger or to cause harm.  When you ask for someone’s opinion, treat it with respect once it is received.  In other words, be careful what you ask for!  When you ask be curious and patient.  Curious – you are asking because you want to hear what they have to say and their answer matters.  Patient – after you ask, you will listen to their answer.  Sometimes, you may already know the answer.  But you are giving them space and time to work it out for themselves.

When asking questions, you will have different goals and therefore you may take a particular role depending on what outcome you seek.  Here are some of the roles Fadem identifies – think about which hat you are wearing to help you shape your questions.
Interviewer – gain information
Teacher – improve the knowledge of business
Student – learn
Journalist – gather information for the story of what happened
Detective – gather pertinent information
Prosecutor – affix responsibility
Lawyer – examine facts, reasons, motives
Physician – evaluate, find the cause, prevent, treat or cure the problem
Scientist – hypothesize, test, analyze and produce results
Historian – uncover and learn
Auditor – examine and conclude

Getting the question right is the first part.  Hearing and listening to the answer is the second part of the process.  Common listening errors include:
Interrupting.  “What is the outlook for next month’s sales?” Before they have a chance to answer, you throw in another question.  “Did we get that issue revolved with shipping on the Davis account?”  Maybe that was the crux of your question – if so, ask it first.  Or give the other person enough time to get to it.
Ignoring the answer.  You: “Shall we get a cup of coffee?”  Them: “No, thanks, I’m cutting back on the caffeine.”  You: “Cream or sugar?” as you’re putting the coins into the machine.
Acting distracted.  This includes checking your Blackberry while they are answering, flipping through notes, having sidebars with other team members.
Walking away.  Unless you’re in a soap opera, tossing questions out and then turning on your heels isn’t really an effective communication style.

Questions are powerful.  They build bridges, promote trust, and generate solutions when used effectively.  Hypothetical questions are especially powerful.  Consider one of these in place of a directive next time and see what turn the conversation takes.  “What if we decided to centralize the customer service operations?  What challenges and opportunities do you foresee?”  These types of “what if” questions are not threatening and they invite creative thinking.  Compare this to “How would we centralize our customer service operations?” There is a time for “how” questions, but asked too early they can get us bogged down in particulars and lost in specifics.  “Why” questions can also be troublesome.  “Why” often depends on intent and purpose – very subjective. Safer ground is found in objective questions.  For example, compare “Why can’t we meet our 24-hour turnaround commitment? to “What is preventing us from meeting our 24-hour turnaround commitment?”  Subtle, yet significant.   

Fun Weekend

Two big days this weekend.  On Saturday, Charlie and I were guests at the Singapore Gifts Association’s annual New Year’s Luncheon at ParkRoyal on Kitchener.  The festivities kicked off with a traditional lion dance – a pair of red lions, animated by two young boys inside, one rear, one front – danced down the center aisle and onto the stage while another young fellow provided rhythm on a kettle drum.  The lion’s goal is to chase away the evil spirits and the bad luck from the previous year.  Then we tossed our salad.   Yu sheng – translated raw fish – is a salad made of, as its name implies, raw fish (such as salmon), vegetables, and sauce.  Each ingredient has an auspicious meaning – the raw fish is a wish for abundance, the plum sauce a wish for sweetness in life.  After it is assembled in the center of the table, everyone takes their chopsticks and begins to toss while hollering “lo hei” – “lo” means “toss” and “hei” means “to rise.”  So the higher we toss, the greater our fortunes.  Then we ate it.  Pretty tasty actually.Charlie had already participated in a tossing on Friday at the office. (photo above)  Glad I didn’t have to clean up after that one.


On Sunday after church we were off to Little India.  Thaipusam, a Hindu religious festival, was underway and we wanted to watch the procession.   The participants, or devotees, pierce their tongues and checks and attach large decorative contraptions, kavadis (burdens), to their bodies with spikes and hooks.  Their families travel beside them along the route from one temple to another. 
Then we hailed a cab and set off for home.  That’s one of the things I like most about Singapore.  Being a not-so-intrepid traveler, it’s nice to venture out a few kilometers from home and experience another world, and still return to my own bed before sunset.

School is in session

It may be the lunar year of the ox, but it feels more like the year of loss. Things are being lost right and left – jobs, pension funds, homes, hope. Amidst the chaos is there anything to be gained? Maybe some perspective.

1. A house is not a home. Houses are flipped, used like ATM machines to withdraw equity that never gets returned, decorated for quick resale to attract the highest bidder. Homes are nurtured, cared for as a member of the family, touched up here and there now and then, but loved for the imperfections because of the memories they preserve. Contrary to pre-credit-crisis beliefs, houses do depreciate. Homes never lose their value.

2. The three words “get rich quick” are typically followed by a fourth word. “Scheme.” There is a reason for this.

3. Honesty. Integrity. Accountability. These aren’t marketing buzzwords. They’re the foundations of civilization that keep chaos in check.

Experience can be a cruel teacher. But her lessons are not soon forgotten. May we be diligent students able to put our learning to good use.

A Poem, a Prayer and a Promise

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silent out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

A Sumptuous Feast

Thomas Jefferson said “I cannot live without books; but fewer will suffice where amusement, and not use, is the only future object.” Sharing that sentiment, my annual reading list is typically loaded more heavily with non-fiction and then balanced with fiction that a) expands my understanding of other cultures or historical events; b) makes me laugh; or c) helps me escape.

As you think about the books you’ll read this year, think about what you want to get from them. Do you want to become more rounded? Pick books outside your area of expertise. Or do you want to become more of a specialist in a chosen area? If you read just two books on that subject, you’ll be way ahead of most of your colleagues.

Whatever field you spend your days in, it’s good to occasionally pick something from a totally unrelated area. Read and enjoy – let your brain make connections and synthesize the new information. This can be amazingly productive for your problem-solving skills. Last year, one of my most challenging reads was a neuroscience textbook. I committed to a chapter per week – it took me more than half the year to finish, and it was worth the effort.

Books are my food. Non-fiction reads are my three squares that sustain me. The fiction is everything else. Some are warm, gooey brownies – totally decadent – Jefferson would probably not approve at all (e.g. Bookends and Careless in Red). Some are a cup of hot tea and a biscuit on a rainy day (all of Alexander McCall Smith’s little gems). Some are exotic dishes – foreign to my tastes perhaps, but worth tasting (e.g. The Incredible life of Oscar Wao). Some are a bowl of popcorn – gobbled down quickly, sad to reach the bottom of the bowl (e.g. White Tiger, Peony in Love, and Then We Came to the End). All of them nourished me in some way. May their authors be blessed.


Here’s what I consumed in 2008 – the 2009 menu is currently in development. Recommendations welcome.

Nonfiction

Christian Perspectives on Politics by J. Philip Wogaman
What Now? by Ann Patchett
The Everlasting Man by G.K. Chesterton
Healing for a Broken World: Christian Perspectives on Public Policy by Steve Monsma
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream by Barack Obama
God Makes Sense - Even When Life Doesn't by Gordon Wong
God Why? Habakkuk’s Struggle with Faith in a World out of Control by Gordon Wong
Faithful to the End: The Message of Daniel for Life in the Real World by Gordon Wong
The Daring Book for Girls by Andrea Buchanan and Miriam Peskowitz
Mother of the Bride
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein
The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief by Francis Collins
Head and Heart: American Christianities by Gary Wills
The Universe in a Single Atom by Dalai Lama
Meaning of Truth by William James
Do You Believe?: Conversations on God and Religion by Antonio Monda
The Will to Believe by William James
The Spiritual Brain by Mario Beauregard and Denyse O'Leary
The Gospels and Epistles of John by Raymond Brown
Psychology of Executive Coaching by Bruce Peltier
The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
Neuroscience - Exploring the Brain by Mark Bear, Barry Connors, Michael Paradiso
History of the World Christian Movement: Earliest Christianity to 1453 by Dale Irvin and Scott Sunquist

Fiction

Borrowed Time by Robert Goddard
Sight Unseen by Robert Goddard
Peony in Love by Lisa See
Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri
A Quiet Belief in Angels by R.J. Ellory
Bookends by Jane Green
The Irresistible Inheritance of Wilberforce by Paul Torday
Careless in Red by Elizabeth George
Found Wanting by Robert Goddard
In the Company of Cheerful Ladies by Alexander McCall Smith (AMS)
Blue Shoes and Happiness by AMS
The Good Husband of Zebra Drive by AMS
The Right Attitude to Rain by AMS
Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Valkyries by Paul Coelho
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski
White Tiger by Aravind Adiga
And Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris
The Shack by Wm. Paul Young
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

Executive Choices

There were two of President Obama’s choices during inauguration that earned him some negative press. Firstly, his choice of Rick Warren to pray at the swearing-in ceremony and, secondly, choosing to acknowledge the nonbelievers in the nation. The lack of support for Warren has to do with his lack of support for gay rights. As for the use of the term “nonbelievers” – here it is in context from a transcript of Obama’s speech.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers.

What I found so interesting was not Obama’s choices, but rather the way people responded. Although I don’t agree with Rick Warren’s stance on gay rights, should he be excommunicated? Can I allow that to be the primary factor for determining his qualification as Chief Prayer Giver at a national service? If only people with whom we agree 100% on every issue are invited, how big can our party be? As for “nonbelievers,” brace yourself, it’s true. Not everyone in the USA believes in God. It’s not even a requirement for citizenship. What were those founding fathers thinking?

Now the pomp and circumstance is over and it’s time for work. Everyone seems to be saying we need to work together. It seems a monumental task for modern politicians who are more comfortable with conflict versus compromise, talking versus listening, and blame versus solutions. But the underlying question is more profound – are we, the general population, ready for a different tune from DC and from the press? The fact that Warren and “nonbelievers” caused such a stir makes me wonder.

When we meet someone with a different view, how often do we ask them to explain their reasons for thinking that way? Or do we launch into refuting them, denying their claims, and building our own case? There’s a saying “seek first to understand, then be understood.” Talk about a buzz-kill. When I am on a roll, getting one good punch in after another, why would I possibly want to shut it down? I might just have a convert here – whether I’ve browbeaten my opponent into admitting that white sauce is better than red sauce with pasta or that defined-benefit plans are superior to defined-contribution plans. Who cares the issue? The point is to be right.

Right?

Wrong. Wrong because right is such a subjective construct. A story to illustrate:

A rabbi is holding court in his village. Schmuel stands up and pleads his case, saying, “Rabbi, Itzak runs his sheep across my land every day and it is ruining my crops. It’s my land. It’s not fair.”

The rabbi says, “You’re right!”

But then Itzak stands up and says, “But Rabbi, going across his land is the only way my sheep can drink water from the pond. Without it, they’ll die. For centuries, every shepherd has had the right of way on the land surrounding the pond, so I should too.”

And the rabbi says, “You’re right!”

The cleaning lady, who has overhead all this, says to the rabbi, “But, Rabbi, they can’t both be right!”

And the rabbi replies, “You’re right!”

(Thanks to Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein, authors of Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes – one of my favorite reads last year – for this little tale.)

What if we could give up the pursuit of being right? What if we could feel comfortable and confident enough in our personal beliefs and opinions that we didn’t need to press them on others? What if we could actually recognize that the other side might have something to offer – that two heads might truly be better than one? Call me a dreamer, but at least I don’t feel all alone anymore. Obama has an even bigger dream.

We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

Even if we have to use a microscope, let’s search for that common humanity, nurture it, strengthen it and bring it into the light of this new day.

That's no bull, that's an Ox

Things are gearing up here this week for the Lunar New Year, 2009 being the Year of the Ox. Markets are well-stocked with all the necessary supplies for the holiday, bulk teas, all sorts of paper decorations, red, of course – a most auspicious color. There’s also a variety of dried fishes - prawns, jelly fishes, squid. I wish there was a way to share the aroma in this market – culture shock to the eyes and nose.



It's not just about the food though.






So the new year begins again. It’s kind of like a mulligan in the game of life. If you failed to keep your new year’s resolutions, or even make any, not to worry. You can resolve to do whatever you want to do whenever you’re ready. Any day can be new year’s day.

Gong Xi Fa Cai.

TCK in the Oval Office

We’ve been dragging these past couple of days having stayed up until around 3 a.m. to follow the inauguration events in D.C.  It was just too exciting.  Who could sleep through that?  Third culture kid (TCK) is a term I learned after moving to Singapore.  These are kids who spend part of their childhood outside of their native country.  As a result, they develop their own unique, or “third” culture – not exactly like their parents, not exactly like their hosts.  They have a passport from their day of birth and are used to long international flights, living next door to people of different religions, and hearing multiple languages in everyday life. Obama is a TCK having spent some of his early years in Indonesia.  I (finally) read “The Audacity of Hope” over the holidays – if I had read it before the election, I would have voted for him twice.  Or is that only legal in select states?

Brace for impact

Some of my greatest fears:

Death of a loved one
Extreme physical pain
Being poor
Wars that go on forever
Hatred and ignorance
Looking like a fool

Oh, wait. Scratch that last one. Used to scare me, but with experience, it’s lost a lot of its ferocity.

Everyone seems to have something to say about fear, FDR being the first to come to mind. “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Hmm…

A German Proverb advises that “fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.” Evidently, it can also make the wolf materialize from nothing, as that poor boy who cried wolf can confirm. But I mean really – what civilized people would ignore his cries and let him be eaten just because he pranked them a time or two before?

Then there’s a Moorish proverb – “he who fears something gives it power over him.” And the positive approach in “feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.” The writer Mencken says “the one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear – fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.” Hey, what’s wrong with craving a little safety, I ask? He makes it sound like a wimpy desire. Patton offers this more balanced perspective. “There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear.” Oh, the wisdom to know the one time from the other.

But on magical days like today when planes crash into rivers and everyone walks off alive, fear is overcome by hope. Here’s to survival!!

Fear

As a coach, I can't help it...asking questions is part of my DNA. Here's the first one, many more to follow!

What are you most afraid of right now?

Beginnings

14 January and I’m keeping one of my resolutions – start a blog! So here we go. Some of you have been with me since my early writings, Geneva Notes, and most recently, Sing Songs. I still have so much to say (imagine that!) so I’ve decided to give the blog format a try, making my notes more frequent, sometimes shorter, sometimes more in-depth, and most importantly, more interactive. Dialogue please.

The earlier journals, Geneva Notes and Sing Songs, were reflections on expat life, first in Switzerland and then in Singapore. With this blog, I hope to cover a variety of topics – life, work, family, money, travel, food, who knows? I considered starting a few different blogs, focusing more narrowly on particular subjects – but opted for this more integrated approach. In my coaching, it has become clearer that we cannot dissect and compartmentalize ourselves. What happens in one area of our lives shows up somehow in other areas. We are created to be whole beings. Anything less is a life short-changed.